Jun. 1st, 2014 12:31 am
I've been feeling a lot of emotions lately. A lot of new stuff going on, and a lot of old stuff that hasn't really been a problem until now. What's crazy is that I've been feeling kinda down even though some of the stuff I've been feeling has been incredible. Sometimes emotions can be so strong they hurt. Even though they are positive feelings, and there's nothing wrong. They are just so raw and intense it can physically hurt.

I'm actually a little bit of a mess on the inside.

Family situations haven't really changes in the last decade or so. All that has changed is me. Gradually over the last 2 years or so, but recently much more so. I'm not really any different. I'm just learning more about myself and how I feel and think. And what I need and want out of life. In one way it's good because it's pushing me to make a change that I haven't really seriously considered before. I know it's not going to be easy, and I'm a little sad because I think it's going to hurt a few people a little. But I also don't think that hurt is really my responsibility. Or really very reasonable. But I still feel bad because it will come from my actions. But I really NEED this change. More than almost anything right now.

On another front, a lot of the positive emotions that are going on at the moment are coming from a fairly recent addition to my life. I've never felt emotion so strong that it hurt. And it's something new I have to deal with. I think the hurt is partly because it's a feeling I'm not used to. And because of a lot of complicating factors in the situation.

I also know that kind of emotion is triggering a lot of insecurities in me. I have a whole lot of self-confidence and self-knowledge issues to deal with. And past experience with emotions has left me hurt where I should never have been hurt. Mostly by family. And I'm only just realizing the effect that has had on me and is still having on me. But I can learn to deal with those issues given a little time.

I'm only going to write this because I don't actually share this with anyone. As far as I know, no one else reads this. No on knows it exists. But I feel like I'm talking to someone. And it kind of links in to my growing exhibitionist tendencies. So if anyone actually reads this one day, remember I'm using it like cheap therapy cause anyone I could talk to about the situation is in some way involved in the situation.

Despite what I wrote in a previous entry, I think I'm in Love. No. I really know I'm in Love. It just scares the hell out of me. People that were supposed to love me unconditionally have made it conditional, or made me doubt their feelings.
But what really scares me is how fast I fell. And how hard. Some days it drives me crazy, or leaves me totally distracted. And sometimes it hurts so much. I was able to tell someone not so long ago. Which was incredible. To be able to say it, to have someone else know. That really proved it to myself, that I'm not confused by the situation. And I can't lie to myself any more.

I'm in Love with this wonderful, sweet, shy (but totally free), passionate, caring, hot guy. Someone who pushes buttons in all the right places, I didn't even know I had. That alone is scary enough for me. I've never really been in Love. And I've never even dated someone else before. Now I'm dating this guy, and it's a whole lot of new experiences. I'm very mentally mature. I'm also emotionally mature when it comes to purely internal things, because i have relatively good intuition. But emotionally and socially, I'm quite inexperienced. That is one of the reasons I convinced myself I wasn't in Love. Because how can I know it so soon? And with nothing else to compare it to? But I know now.

What really complicates things is the fact that he is Poly-amorous and already has a Lover (who is also Poly). I really like his Lover. Not my type romantically, bu we're friends already. And could potentially be playmates. Although I suspect he has other distractions he wants to delve into. It is actually the Lover that I told I'm in Love. The Lover is totally Poly at heart and has expressed before a lot of appreciation for my budding interest in his lover. And his reaction was incredible. The conversation formed a real link between us, and he has shared a lot with me since then. It really helps to feel such a similarity with the Lover, because we both have one major thing in common. This one guy we care for. It isn't like competition.

But I have never been Poly. I never even considered the possibility of Poly for myself until I met this guy. I consider myself 'still working it out' but 'Mono-ish for now'. I actually consider myself poly-by-definition, because I'm dating a guy who's poly. Just not poly by practice. All my attention is focused on this one connection for now. because there is too much new to sort out. It is a lot to adjust to. I think I am taking most of it quite well. Of course ever now and then I have issues. That is normal even in poly-poly relationships. But so far they have all been internal issues: stuff to work out within myself. Even where they have been caused by his actions, none of them were his fault at all.

The fact that he so considerate of me and my situation is really sweet. And I'm sure it helps, although sometimes I do wish he wouldn't be quite so delicate with me. Mostly because I can't read that he's being delicate until he tells me. I don't read people well. My intuition is good, but that means when I do know how a person is feeling I have no idea why.

Most of my issues with the poly are issues I would be having in any relationship. Having feelings so strong, and particularly lacking self-worth, makes you stress about him not feeling the same. Most of all I have to try not to come on too strong. In some ways we are so far ahead. Some levels of intimacy and some experiences we share have come so much faster than in most hetero-normative relationships. But I have to keep reminding myself that this is also a whole new experience for him too. His current relationship with his Lover developed in a very different way. And I am a hopeless romantic. So I have to resist the urge for romantic gestures for so many reasons.

He has never 'dated' like we have, although we also have the play/affection component he is more familiar with. And I don't think he is used to the romantic interest I show him. My biggest fear is him running. Being hurt or scared by something I've done and cutting me off from being able to help him. Sometimes all I want to do is hold his hand. He has no idea that when he takes my hand in his, with no prompting, he makes all the past hurts in my heart fade to nothing.

He is a lot simpler than I am. My mind is complicated, and tends to run a mile a minute (sometimes in circles). But he just is how he is. I love that. But I have to keep reminding myself.

I'm in Love. It scares me, it hurts, and I have so much to work on in myself. So I can be the best 'me' I can. I know I have to do it for me. But he is such a motivation. I'll never tell him that, because I know that pressure will be too much for him. I don't have a clue where to start except to take everything as it comes. And hope time gives me some help.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.
(These things are not new since my last entry, but just generally new in my life)

I'm in love. Or at least that's what I would have said about three months ago being where I am now. It's a strange thing how your perception changes with new experiences. Love is one of those things you don't understand until you experience it. I don't mean family love. I mean, hold-my-hand-and-make-everything-better love. You think you understand it. I even thought I might have felt it. Nope.

A whole lot of new experiences recently have shown me just how much I have to learn about love. I know people say that love doesn't really conquer all, it doesn't male everything magically work out. But it changes you profoundly. And there are things you can do and feel with love that you could never manage without it.

I've started learning about different kinds of love. A lot of this started, mentally, by starting to understand poly relationship interactions. And to a certain extent, different kinds of relationships.

Then I experienced a new level of affection with a guy I am seeing. There was definitely a physical element. And it is a tiny bit primal, but then love is a primal emotion. I had never expressed affection like that before. Ant it was a little overwhelming at first. People talk about 'new relationship energy'. That rush you get from something new and exciting. It was a little like that. And until I had a chance to process it, I could only identify the feeling as love. But after, when I had time alone to try and understand what I was feeling I realized it wasn't love. It was affection. And it has a substantial connection to my recent discovery of my furry side.

I have never had a lover/boyfriend or anything of the sort. So I have never expressed affection in a non-platonic way. And that feeling was so much stronger than anything I had felt before and mistakenly called 'love'. Now I know what I'm looking for. Each new experience gives a new feeling. And I've been trying a whole lot of 'new' lately. And if I don't actually know what Love feels like, I do know now that when it does hit, I'll know.

And finally I am content where I am. I am exploring possibilities with a new friend. We are dating, and not official. But 'the signs so far have all been really good'. And for the first time I am able to let go. I am enjoying the ride, wherever it goes. On the way I'm learning a hell of a lot about myself. And I am more grateful for that than he will ever know.

I am finally paying attention to my needs. I need affection. And I need to be me, and be accepted exactly as I am. And I need to be able to express my affection for others. Everything else is in the future. And right now, I am finding great pleasure in having all of my needs met.



June 2014



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