Mar. 18th, 2014

Well I suck at this. Writing in general, and talking about me specifically. I also have a tendency to stray from topic to topic. I am terribly shy and usually quite quiet. I'm not really comfortable in large groups, or with people I don't know well yet. The only exception is when I have someone to hold my hand (figuratively) through the process. Or at least until someone else takes me under their wing.

The really strange thing is, I'm not actually an introvert. Sure, I like my alone time. And I don't feel the need to be popular, or with other people all the time. But I like to express myself. Not always in big gestures, and not always the kind of expression you'd expect.

I've realized recently that I'm a repressed-extravert. When I was young I was really outgoing. No inhibitions whatsoever. And a budding nudist. Then something happened. I don't know what. Honestly, I don't care. I'm not a psychologist. I can't change the past. But I will learn from it and grow.

Over the last two years I've met a few people on my travels who have really helped me to come out of my shell and start learning about myself. And over the last few months that learning curve has become pretty steep.

I love music. I love to sing. And I really love to perform. Having that experience and realizing how much I loved performing was one of the big moments in learning about myself. And me need for expression.

So I'm learning to put more of 'me' out there. But at the same time I'm still discovering who I am. And that has also been a pretty steep learning curve. I've made a few big jumps recently in not only learning new things about myself but coming to understand things I'd know for a while. Thanks mostly to a few new friends. Pretty much just by them being themselves. And Letting me just 'be'.
So, I was inspired to start this journal by two people. The first opened me to the idea of writing my thoughts about a year ago. He's a new friend that really helped me to grow a lot. When things were a little difficult I actually started writing letters to him just to get out how I was feeling. I never sent them. And I never will. But somehow it was easier talking to a person. Even if I knew they'd never really read it.

The other person is the one who actually inspired me to start writing this kind of journal. Here. They are a person I only met for a few hours not that long ago. But she has sparked a few thoughts in me since we met. All of them positive and in some way life altering. I met her as a friend-of-a-friend, and I could tell right away she is the kind of friend you don't find very often. Other than her affection and warmth there was something that just kind of clicked and I was instantly comfortable with her. Not very common for me. By the time I left she had said a few really sweet things that lifted me up, and continued to do so a few times after as well. And she gives awesome hugs. It's almost a super-power.

What's funny is that she is studying to be a midwife. Not that strange. But she is the second inspirational woman I have met who is a midwife. And in both I can't say exactly what it is that inspires me. They both have qualities I look up to. But there's something else that draws me to them.

The other midwife I know is one of the most extraordinary women. She has three children. And delivered them all at home on her own. She was her own midwife and birthed her three kids by herself. Totally by choice. She'd cook her husband dinner , tell him it's on the oven, and disappear quietly into the bedroom. She'd come out a few hours later to show her husband their child, and he never even knew she'd given birth. All done naturally. That has always amazed me.
But it's not just that that inspires me.

In the same way, I was inspired to start this journal without really knowing why or to what purpose. Other than I was inspired to. And I'll just see where it goes.

Update

Mar. 18th, 2014 12:54 am
I'm not really sure if you can call this an update, as I've never put any of this kind of stuff out there before. But this is going to be a snapshot of where I'm at right now. Yes, I borrowed the headings.

Living
With my family still. It's a pretty full house, having parents, brother, aunt and a housemate. Good thing it's a pretty big house. I know I'm lucky to be able to still live at home. There are a lot or perks. And it is a constant support network. But it has been getting more difficult. I'm growing and the people around me can't keep up with my changes. I need more independence. And I really need space. Hopefully I can find some more reliable work and I'll be able to move out by the middle of the year. I can't afford it on my job at the moment. Not unless I share. And to be honest, I really need space to be me. And unless the other person can accept all of me, no restrictions, then I need my own place. For a while at least.

Studying/Working
I'm finally done with studying. I had my graduation ceremony about a month ago for my second and final degree. I now have a Juris Doctor (fancy name for a Law degree) as well as my Bachelor of Legal studies. I'm glad to put those eight years behind me. As for work, it is soo hard to find anything in my field without experience. Even a vaguely related job. But I finally have something. And I got passed the three-week training period. I'm glad to have the work, and the money, even if it is only part-time casual. It is also work experience in a similar area, I am at least working in the court building. But my job kinda sucks. There's a lot of pressure to perform at a pretty high standard. A lot to keep up with, time restrictions, and a 100% accuracy requirement.

The real downside of my job is having to listen to the scum of the earth. I have to hear stories of the very worst our country has to offer. It is not easy to listen to. I mean, sometimes you can tune the words out. But it makes me sick sometimes. Leaves me pretty low some days. And I haven't found the right pick-me-up for after work yet. But I decided I'm going to take it week at a time. See how long I can last. Earn some much needed money and get a little work experience while I keep looking for a better job. One day when it gets too much, I'll quit on the spot. I know I will.

Playing
I have actually had a little luck in this area for the first time ever. I have kind of stepped into a new community, and through a few welcoming people they have all opened up to me. It's nice to have a casual social life for a change. And I'm kind of seeing someone. I don't know what was intended when we started out (maybe a play partner) but somehow we're dating. And it's really nice. It's a totally new experience for me. I mean, we're not official, but we are dating. And playing. And both are really good. We are both a little shy and nervous with each other. But it's growing naturally. And we're talking more, which feels really good. Especially about the more personal things. And the awkward things. It's nice to share another part of me with someone. Our playtime it a little limited by his work commitments and mine to just weekends. And we still have to make things fit around everything else in life. But we're doing okay so far. Meeting once a week is comfortable. Even if I would prefer to chat a little more in between.

Planning
I'm planning to fond a better job and move out of home as soon as I can manage. Other than that, I can't plan very much at the moment. I'm going to see an interesting show in about 2 weeks and I'm hoping to find someone to go with me for a bit of fun. I'm also planning a trip to Melbourne for my first ever furry con in June. That will be a huge thing for me. So many big steps. Lots of new people, a few who I know of through the Perth community. Being away from everyone who doesn't accept all of me. Being somewhere with an open accepting community where I can totally let go and be all of me. Freely. I can't wait!

Reading
Nothing at the moment. I really want to start reading again. In high school I was reading 600 books a year. And my English teacher didn't believe me either. But she was a bitch. Studying law limited my leisure reading time a lot. But now I need to get back into it. I think I'll start off with an old favorite to get me in the swing before looking for something new. I haven't read a new book in too long.

Watching
Nothing. Literally. I haven't turned my TV on in months. I watch a few people on Youtube, but I've even started to lose interest in some of them recently. I'd like to pick up something to watch I can unwind with. Maybe follow up on a series I used to watch but got lost on. True Blood, Game of Thrones. Would be better if I had someone to watch with, or at least talk about it to.
(These things are not new since my last entry, but just generally new in my life)

I'm in love. Or at least that's what I would have said about three months ago being where I am now. It's a strange thing how your perception changes with new experiences. Love is one of those things you don't understand until you experience it. I don't mean family love. I mean, hold-my-hand-and-make-everything-better love. You think you understand it. I even thought I might have felt it. Nope.

A whole lot of new experiences recently have shown me just how much I have to learn about love. I know people say that love doesn't really conquer all, it doesn't male everything magically work out. But it changes you profoundly. And there are things you can do and feel with love that you could never manage without it.

I've started learning about different kinds of love. A lot of this started, mentally, by starting to understand poly relationship interactions. And to a certain extent, different kinds of relationships.

Then I experienced a new level of affection with a guy I am seeing. There was definitely a physical element. And it is a tiny bit primal, but then love is a primal emotion. I had never expressed affection like that before. Ant it was a little overwhelming at first. People talk about 'new relationship energy'. That rush you get from something new and exciting. It was a little like that. And until I had a chance to process it, I could only identify the feeling as love. But after, when I had time alone to try and understand what I was feeling I realized it wasn't love. It was affection. And it has a substantial connection to my recent discovery of my furry side.

I have never had a lover/boyfriend or anything of the sort. So I have never expressed affection in a non-platonic way. And that feeling was so much stronger than anything I had felt before and mistakenly called 'love'. Now I know what I'm looking for. Each new experience gives a new feeling. And I've been trying a whole lot of 'new' lately. And if I don't actually know what Love feels like, I do know now that when it does hit, I'll know.

And finally I am content where I am. I am exploring possibilities with a new friend. We are dating, and not official. But 'the signs so far have all been really good'. And for the first time I am able to let go. I am enjoying the ride, wherever it goes. On the way I'm learning a hell of a lot about myself. And I am more grateful for that than he will ever know.

I am finally paying attention to my needs. I need affection. And I need to be me, and be accepted exactly as I am. And I need to be able to express my affection for others. Everything else is in the future. And right now, I am finding great pleasure in having all of my needs met.

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