[personal profile] grafx
(These things are not new since my last entry, but just generally new in my life)

I'm in love. Or at least that's what I would have said about three months ago being where I am now. It's a strange thing how your perception changes with new experiences. Love is one of those things you don't understand until you experience it. I don't mean family love. I mean, hold-my-hand-and-make-everything-better love. You think you understand it. I even thought I might have felt it. Nope.

A whole lot of new experiences recently have shown me just how much I have to learn about love. I know people say that love doesn't really conquer all, it doesn't male everything magically work out. But it changes you profoundly. And there are things you can do and feel with love that you could never manage without it.

I've started learning about different kinds of love. A lot of this started, mentally, by starting to understand poly relationship interactions. And to a certain extent, different kinds of relationships.

Then I experienced a new level of affection with a guy I am seeing. There was definitely a physical element. And it is a tiny bit primal, but then love is a primal emotion. I had never expressed affection like that before. Ant it was a little overwhelming at first. People talk about 'new relationship energy'. That rush you get from something new and exciting. It was a little like that. And until I had a chance to process it, I could only identify the feeling as love. But after, when I had time alone to try and understand what I was feeling I realized it wasn't love. It was affection. And it has a substantial connection to my recent discovery of my furry side.

I have never had a lover/boyfriend or anything of the sort. So I have never expressed affection in a non-platonic way. And that feeling was so much stronger than anything I had felt before and mistakenly called 'love'. Now I know what I'm looking for. Each new experience gives a new feeling. And I've been trying a whole lot of 'new' lately. And if I don't actually know what Love feels like, I do know now that when it does hit, I'll know.

And finally I am content where I am. I am exploring possibilities with a new friend. We are dating, and not official. But 'the signs so far have all been really good'. And for the first time I am able to let go. I am enjoying the ride, wherever it goes. On the way I'm learning a hell of a lot about myself. And I am more grateful for that than he will ever know.

I am finally paying attention to my needs. I need affection. And I need to be me, and be accepted exactly as I am. And I need to be able to express my affection for others. Everything else is in the future. And right now, I am finding great pleasure in having all of my needs met.
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June 2014


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