Emotions

Jun. 1st, 2014 12:31 am
I've been feeling a lot of emotions lately. A lot of new stuff going on, and a lot of old stuff that hasn't really been a problem until now. What's crazy is that I've been feeling kinda down even though some of the stuff I've been feeling has been incredible. Sometimes emotions can be so strong they hurt. Even though they are positive feelings, and there's nothing wrong. They are just so raw and intense it can physically hurt.

I'm actually a little bit of a mess on the inside.

Family situations haven't really changes in the last decade or so. All that has changed is me. Gradually over the last 2 years or so, but recently much more so. I'm not really any different. I'm just learning more about myself and how I feel and think. And what I need and want out of life. In one way it's good because it's pushing me to make a change that I haven't really seriously considered before. I know it's not going to be easy, and I'm a little sad because I think it's going to hurt a few people a little. But I also don't think that hurt is really my responsibility. Or really very reasonable. But I still feel bad because it will come from my actions. But I really NEED this change. More than almost anything right now.

On another front, a lot of the positive emotions that are going on at the moment are coming from a fairly recent addition to my life. I've never felt emotion so strong that it hurt. And it's something new I have to deal with. I think the hurt is partly because it's a feeling I'm not used to. And because of a lot of complicating factors in the situation.

I also know that kind of emotion is triggering a lot of insecurities in me. I have a whole lot of self-confidence and self-knowledge issues to deal with. And past experience with emotions has left me hurt where I should never have been hurt. Mostly by family. And I'm only just realizing the effect that has had on me and is still having on me. But I can learn to deal with those issues given a little time.

I'm only going to write this because I don't actually share this with anyone. As far as I know, no one else reads this. No on knows it exists. But I feel like I'm talking to someone. And it kind of links in to my growing exhibitionist tendencies. So if anyone actually reads this one day, remember I'm using it like cheap therapy cause anyone I could talk to about the situation is in some way involved in the situation.

Despite what I wrote in a previous entry, I think I'm in Love. No. I really know I'm in Love. It just scares the hell out of me. People that were supposed to love me unconditionally have made it conditional, or made me doubt their feelings.
But what really scares me is how fast I fell. And how hard. Some days it drives me crazy, or leaves me totally distracted. And sometimes it hurts so much. I was able to tell someone not so long ago. Which was incredible. To be able to say it, to have someone else know. That really proved it to myself, that I'm not confused by the situation. And I can't lie to myself any more.

I'm in Love with this wonderful, sweet, shy (but totally free), passionate, caring, hot guy. Someone who pushes buttons in all the right places, I didn't even know I had. That alone is scary enough for me. I've never really been in Love. And I've never even dated someone else before. Now I'm dating this guy, and it's a whole lot of new experiences. I'm very mentally mature. I'm also emotionally mature when it comes to purely internal things, because i have relatively good intuition. But emotionally and socially, I'm quite inexperienced. That is one of the reasons I convinced myself I wasn't in Love. Because how can I know it so soon? And with nothing else to compare it to? But I know now.

What really complicates things is the fact that he is Poly-amorous and already has a Lover (who is also Poly). I really like his Lover. Not my type romantically, bu we're friends already. And could potentially be playmates. Although I suspect he has other distractions he wants to delve into. It is actually the Lover that I told I'm in Love. The Lover is totally Poly at heart and has expressed before a lot of appreciation for my budding interest in his lover. And his reaction was incredible. The conversation formed a real link between us, and he has shared a lot with me since then. It really helps to feel such a similarity with the Lover, because we both have one major thing in common. This one guy we care for. It isn't like competition.

But I have never been Poly. I never even considered the possibility of Poly for myself until I met this guy. I consider myself 'still working it out' but 'Mono-ish for now'. I actually consider myself poly-by-definition, because I'm dating a guy who's poly. Just not poly by practice. All my attention is focused on this one connection for now. because there is too much new to sort out. It is a lot to adjust to. I think I am taking most of it quite well. Of course ever now and then I have issues. That is normal even in poly-poly relationships. But so far they have all been internal issues: stuff to work out within myself. Even where they have been caused by his actions, none of them were his fault at all.

The fact that he so considerate of me and my situation is really sweet. And I'm sure it helps, although sometimes I do wish he wouldn't be quite so delicate with me. Mostly because I can't read that he's being delicate until he tells me. I don't read people well. My intuition is good, but that means when I do know how a person is feeling I have no idea why.

Most of my issues with the poly are issues I would be having in any relationship. Having feelings so strong, and particularly lacking self-worth, makes you stress about him not feeling the same. Most of all I have to try not to come on too strong. In some ways we are so far ahead. Some levels of intimacy and some experiences we share have come so much faster than in most hetero-normative relationships. But I have to keep reminding myself that this is also a whole new experience for him too. His current relationship with his Lover developed in a very different way. And I am a hopeless romantic. So I have to resist the urge for romantic gestures for so many reasons.

He has never 'dated' like we have, although we also have the play/affection component he is more familiar with. And I don't think he is used to the romantic interest I show him. My biggest fear is him running. Being hurt or scared by something I've done and cutting me off from being able to help him. Sometimes all I want to do is hold his hand. He has no idea that when he takes my hand in his, with no prompting, he makes all the past hurts in my heart fade to nothing.

He is a lot simpler than I am. My mind is complicated, and tends to run a mile a minute (sometimes in circles). But he just is how he is. I love that. But I have to keep reminding myself.

I'm in Love. It scares me, it hurts, and I have so much to work on in myself. So I can be the best 'me' I can. I know I have to do it for me. But he is such a motivation. I'll never tell him that, because I know that pressure will be too much for him. I don't have a clue where to start except to take everything as it comes. And hope time gives me some help.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.
No specific order. Simply a list of ideas I'd love to try sometime in the future.

*Get my own place
*Go skydiving
*Go out to sea, far enough that there is no land in sight
*Learn to ice skate well enough that i can actually enjoy it
*Get my Legal Practice Certificate (become a Lawyer)
*Go to my 10 year High School reunion
*Go to mu 10 year University reunion

Travel: (only the very top of my list, and specific things I want to do)
*Ireland
-Sing an Irish song in Ireland
*Scotland
*Egypt
-See the pyramids
*Israel and Palestine (Jerusalem, Acre)
*USA (the Southern states, Alaska)

May update this in the future.
I started trying to write my bucket list, because I felt like there was soo much I wanted to do in my life. Once I started I realized that most of the items on my list can broadly be listed under the category 'travel'. And that is pretty much an inexhaustible list. It keeps growing all the time, and I know I will never actually see everywhere I would like to.

Other than that, there aren't a whole lot of specific things I'd like to do. I am mostly open to seeing wherever my life takes me, and trying to make the most of each opportunity. My wants in life are very broad, and I'm not really fixed on how I achieve them.

I want to be happy. I know we all want to be happy, but that doesn't make it any less a valid want.

I want a job that doesn't make me unhappy. And that doesn't leave me without any time for the things that do make me happy. I'd also like to make enough money so I can afford the things I enjoy. I'm not saying I want to be rich. I know money doesn't equal happiness, but lack of resources can certainly make life unpleasant. I just want something secure so I don't have to worry about money.

I know one type of happiness I do want in my life is Love. Now, that I have absolutely no control over. When it comes. With who. I can't make it happen or choose what form it takes. I can however be open to it when it comes along. And I can try not to screw it up. But it's also something I'm happy to wait for. Because I'd rather have the real thing. And I don't want to rush it.

Bucket lists are fun, but I'm much more happy with where I am right now. Because I know that in the end, my life will be fulfilled no matter what. As long as I keep living it each day. That sounds really cheesy. But it's still true.
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Furry

NSFW Mar. 19th, 2014 10:33 pm
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Questions

Mar. 19th, 2014 12:30 am
I like chatting. I really do. I'm just not particularly good at small talk. Or keeping a new conversation going. I love answering questions though. I tend to be rather direct. And if you ask a question, you better be willing to take the answer. Cause I usually tell the truth too.

I picked up a little something from an online profile I read a while ago and I kind of adopted it permanently. On all of my online profiles. Even with people I know face-to-face (although that can be quite awkward). I will give anyone at all a single question. One chance to ask me anything they want and get a 100% truthful answer. Now, I may chose to answer a public question in private in very limited circumstances. but generally I'll answer in the same way I was asked. It is up to the asker to decide what they want to know about me, and how the want to know it. It is their choice to ask me in a private/direct message or in a public forum.

There are actually two people in my life that have this all the time. They can ask me anything at all, and expect the absolute truth. Of course, I haven't told either of them. Maybe one day I will. Maybe they'll figure it out on their own.

Well, here's your chance. ask.fm/GrafxFurcurious I've seen a few people use this site and I decided it might be a good way to encourage people to make use of my 1 question rule. I'll take questions from anyone. Even multiple from the same person, and yes anonymous. But you only get the 1 chance 100% guaranteed. After that it's my choice to answer or not. I probably still will. But I figure, people who want to get to know me can look at some of my previous answers. Even if they don't want to ask a question.

I'll give it a try and see if anyone bites.
(These things are not new since my last entry, but just generally new in my life)

I'm in love. Or at least that's what I would have said about three months ago being where I am now. It's a strange thing how your perception changes with new experiences. Love is one of those things you don't understand until you experience it. I don't mean family love. I mean, hold-my-hand-and-make-everything-better love. You think you understand it. I even thought I might have felt it. Nope.

A whole lot of new experiences recently have shown me just how much I have to learn about love. I know people say that love doesn't really conquer all, it doesn't male everything magically work out. But it changes you profoundly. And there are things you can do and feel with love that you could never manage without it.

I've started learning about different kinds of love. A lot of this started, mentally, by starting to understand poly relationship interactions. And to a certain extent, different kinds of relationships.

Then I experienced a new level of affection with a guy I am seeing. There was definitely a physical element. And it is a tiny bit primal, but then love is a primal emotion. I had never expressed affection like that before. Ant it was a little overwhelming at first. People talk about 'new relationship energy'. That rush you get from something new and exciting. It was a little like that. And until I had a chance to process it, I could only identify the feeling as love. But after, when I had time alone to try and understand what I was feeling I realized it wasn't love. It was affection. And it has a substantial connection to my recent discovery of my furry side.

I have never had a lover/boyfriend or anything of the sort. So I have never expressed affection in a non-platonic way. And that feeling was so much stronger than anything I had felt before and mistakenly called 'love'. Now I know what I'm looking for. Each new experience gives a new feeling. And I've been trying a whole lot of 'new' lately. And if I don't actually know what Love feels like, I do know now that when it does hit, I'll know.

And finally I am content where I am. I am exploring possibilities with a new friend. We are dating, and not official. But 'the signs so far have all been really good'. And for the first time I am able to let go. I am enjoying the ride, wherever it goes. On the way I'm learning a hell of a lot about myself. And I am more grateful for that than he will ever know.

I am finally paying attention to my needs. I need affection. And I need to be me, and be accepted exactly as I am. And I need to be able to express my affection for others. Everything else is in the future. And right now, I am finding great pleasure in having all of my needs met.

Update

Mar. 18th, 2014 12:54 am
I'm not really sure if you can call this an update, as I've never put any of this kind of stuff out there before. But this is going to be a snapshot of where I'm at right now. Yes, I borrowed the headings.

Living
With my family still. It's a pretty full house, having parents, brother, aunt and a housemate. Good thing it's a pretty big house. I know I'm lucky to be able to still live at home. There are a lot or perks. And it is a constant support network. But it has been getting more difficult. I'm growing and the people around me can't keep up with my changes. I need more independence. And I really need space. Hopefully I can find some more reliable work and I'll be able to move out by the middle of the year. I can't afford it on my job at the moment. Not unless I share. And to be honest, I really need space to be me. And unless the other person can accept all of me, no restrictions, then I need my own place. For a while at least.

Studying/Working
I'm finally done with studying. I had my graduation ceremony about a month ago for my second and final degree. I now have a Juris Doctor (fancy name for a Law degree) as well as my Bachelor of Legal studies. I'm glad to put those eight years behind me. As for work, it is soo hard to find anything in my field without experience. Even a vaguely related job. But I finally have something. And I got passed the three-week training period. I'm glad to have the work, and the money, even if it is only part-time casual. It is also work experience in a similar area, I am at least working in the court building. But my job kinda sucks. There's a lot of pressure to perform at a pretty high standard. A lot to keep up with, time restrictions, and a 100% accuracy requirement.

The real downside of my job is having to listen to the scum of the earth. I have to hear stories of the very worst our country has to offer. It is not easy to listen to. I mean, sometimes you can tune the words out. But it makes me sick sometimes. Leaves me pretty low some days. And I haven't found the right pick-me-up for after work yet. But I decided I'm going to take it week at a time. See how long I can last. Earn some much needed money and get a little work experience while I keep looking for a better job. One day when it gets too much, I'll quit on the spot. I know I will.

Playing
I have actually had a little luck in this area for the first time ever. I have kind of stepped into a new community, and through a few welcoming people they have all opened up to me. It's nice to have a casual social life for a change. And I'm kind of seeing someone. I don't know what was intended when we started out (maybe a play partner) but somehow we're dating. And it's really nice. It's a totally new experience for me. I mean, we're not official, but we are dating. And playing. And both are really good. We are both a little shy and nervous with each other. But it's growing naturally. And we're talking more, which feels really good. Especially about the more personal things. And the awkward things. It's nice to share another part of me with someone. Our playtime it a little limited by his work commitments and mine to just weekends. And we still have to make things fit around everything else in life. But we're doing okay so far. Meeting once a week is comfortable. Even if I would prefer to chat a little more in between.

Planning
I'm planning to fond a better job and move out of home as soon as I can manage. Other than that, I can't plan very much at the moment. I'm going to see an interesting show in about 2 weeks and I'm hoping to find someone to go with me for a bit of fun. I'm also planning a trip to Melbourne for my first ever furry con in June. That will be a huge thing for me. So many big steps. Lots of new people, a few who I know of through the Perth community. Being away from everyone who doesn't accept all of me. Being somewhere with an open accepting community where I can totally let go and be all of me. Freely. I can't wait!

Reading
Nothing at the moment. I really want to start reading again. In high school I was reading 600 books a year. And my English teacher didn't believe me either. But she was a bitch. Studying law limited my leisure reading time a lot. But now I need to get back into it. I think I'll start off with an old favorite to get me in the swing before looking for something new. I haven't read a new book in too long.

Watching
Nothing. Literally. I haven't turned my TV on in months. I watch a few people on Youtube, but I've even started to lose interest in some of them recently. I'd like to pick up something to watch I can unwind with. Maybe follow up on a series I used to watch but got lost on. True Blood, Game of Thrones. Would be better if I had someone to watch with, or at least talk about it to.
So, I was inspired to start this journal by two people. The first opened me to the idea of writing my thoughts about a year ago. He's a new friend that really helped me to grow a lot. When things were a little difficult I actually started writing letters to him just to get out how I was feeling. I never sent them. And I never will. But somehow it was easier talking to a person. Even if I knew they'd never really read it.

The other person is the one who actually inspired me to start writing this kind of journal. Here. They are a person I only met for a few hours not that long ago. But she has sparked a few thoughts in me since we met. All of them positive and in some way life altering. I met her as a friend-of-a-friend, and I could tell right away she is the kind of friend you don't find very often. Other than her affection and warmth there was something that just kind of clicked and I was instantly comfortable with her. Not very common for me. By the time I left she had said a few really sweet things that lifted me up, and continued to do so a few times after as well. And she gives awesome hugs. It's almost a super-power.

What's funny is that she is studying to be a midwife. Not that strange. But she is the second inspirational woman I have met who is a midwife. And in both I can't say exactly what it is that inspires me. They both have qualities I look up to. But there's something else that draws me to them.

The other midwife I know is one of the most extraordinary women. She has three children. And delivered them all at home on her own. She was her own midwife and birthed her three kids by herself. Totally by choice. She'd cook her husband dinner , tell him it's on the oven, and disappear quietly into the bedroom. She'd come out a few hours later to show her husband their child, and he never even knew she'd given birth. All done naturally. That has always amazed me.
But it's not just that that inspires me.

In the same way, I was inspired to start this journal without really knowing why or to what purpose. Other than I was inspired to. And I'll just see where it goes.
Well I suck at this. Writing in general, and talking about me specifically. I also have a tendency to stray from topic to topic. I am terribly shy and usually quite quiet. I'm not really comfortable in large groups, or with people I don't know well yet. The only exception is when I have someone to hold my hand (figuratively) through the process. Or at least until someone else takes me under their wing.

The really strange thing is, I'm not actually an introvert. Sure, I like my alone time. And I don't feel the need to be popular, or with other people all the time. But I like to express myself. Not always in big gestures, and not always the kind of expression you'd expect.

I've realized recently that I'm a repressed-extravert. When I was young I was really outgoing. No inhibitions whatsoever. And a budding nudist. Then something happened. I don't know what. Honestly, I don't care. I'm not a psychologist. I can't change the past. But I will learn from it and grow.

Over the last two years I've met a few people on my travels who have really helped me to come out of my shell and start learning about myself. And over the last few months that learning curve has become pretty steep.

I love music. I love to sing. And I really love to perform. Having that experience and realizing how much I loved performing was one of the big moments in learning about myself. And me need for expression.

So I'm learning to put more of 'me' out there. But at the same time I'm still discovering who I am. And that has also been a pretty steep learning curve. I've made a few big jumps recently in not only learning new things about myself but coming to understand things I'd know for a while. Thanks mostly to a few new friends. Pretty much just by them being themselves. And Letting me just 'be'.

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June 2014

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